Hipsters and beer: a love affair like none other. If you drink beer, you’re probably a hipster of some kind.
Here is my guideline to discerning your hipster status based on your beer order. Data has been compiled from my extensive undercover investigations as a hipster and drinker.
You’re vanilla, but you think you’re cinnamon. You hang out with the hophead hipsters, but you don’t really relate to them. Eventually, you will give up on new beers, sticking to lager classics.
You’re a hipster, but you’re not annoying about it. You probably do write in moleskins and have whimsical knick-knacks in mason jars, but also shop at Costco and occasionally enjoy Budweiser. Wheat beer lovers are everyone’s best friend!
You’re not a hipster, you’re a dad.
You’re an entry-level hipster: you’re too self-aware for boring beers like lager and Session, but not quite ready to flaunt how nonchalant you are by ordering an IPA or cask brew.
There is two types of people who drink Cream Ale: wee English grandparents, and new drinkers who think Cream Ales should taste like cream soda. It doesn’t. Not hipsters.
Did you ask for the Porter? You’re pretentious, and you own that title. You have great taste.
Did you ask for a dark beer and were confused by follow-up questions, and somehow ended up with Porter? Aw, you’re cute. Feel free to ask more questions and get a beer you like.
Are you confused about the difference between Porter and Stout? Don’t worry, everyone is. You’re probably not a hipster.
Are you an old person wearing argyle who specifically asked for Porter? I like you. Let’s smoke some cigars.
See above, with the caveat that not all stouts taste like a traditional stout and you are confused by that. You drank warm Guinness in Dublin, goddammit, you know stout!
India Pale Ale
So hipster it hurts. Your hipster flag flies loud and proud and is hand sewn with locally sourced fabrics.
Sour drinkers are the most confusing beer drinkers. They’re just strange. If they were a Harry Potter character, they would be Luna Lovegood or Mrs. Figg. These are the people who eat candy for dinner but don’t post it on Instagram. They are the people who make their own clothes, but their creations look like Zara’s new line.
I don’t get you guys, you strange magical creatures. On a hipster level, you’re an elephant mermaid.
Go home, hipster, you’re drunk.
This post was made with love for, and without harm to, hipsters and dads. Here is a bonus dad joke: What do you call an earless bear? B.